JAWS The Comedy Contributed by S. Michael Simms
Why not let Mel Brooks direct JAWS 5? Here’s some brainstorming for the project:
JAWS 5: “This Time, It’s Pointless”
The movie opens basically the same as the original, with the shark’s POV, except that it keeps bumping into things, and there’s lots of silly things at the bottom of the ocean that you wonder how they got there (kind of like I wonder how the hell Quint “saw a shark eat a rocking chair once). The music is the same except instead of bassy horns, the main shark theme is played with a kazoo.
Leslie Nielsen is “Chief Broody”, whose wife is so ugly (like Lorraine Gary) she has to wear a bag over her head all the time, and he ends up not being very upset when the shark, which is in plain view, eats her while she blindly (because of the bag) doggie paddles in the water calling for their son “Mikey”. He has volumes of shark books in his home library for no reason, and we see him flipping through them ostentatiously in one scene, then he screams “Oh my God!” while reading one of the books, and when the camera pans in on the book, we see that it’s a hideous picture of his wife. . .
Mayor Vagisil is played by William Shatner (who was excellent in Airplane! 2), and he is uproariously funny- doing an interview like in the original movie talking about how safe the beaches of “Amityville” (there will be a cameo by the scary house) are, only in the background we see swimmer after smimmer getting yanked under the water while he’s talking. Even after it’s painfully obvious to the rest of the major characters that Amityville has a shark problem, he’s busy trying to book water skiers and dolphin shows, etc. for summer tourist attractions at the beach. He chain smokes like Vaughnn only comically, exaggeratedly so.
“Mott Hoople” is played by Mott the Hoople (so we don’t get sued) dressed up like Matt Hooper, and his main laughs come from the famous “This was no boating accident” scene and his cage scene during which he goes under wearing an outrageous “Ghostbusters” looking scuba outfit, which is so heavy that the line holding the cage snaps and he and the cage sink to the bottom. He also gets a great scene with Chief Broody when they cut open the shark under the dock and are sprayed with tons of cinematic gore . Then he starts pulling ridiculous objects out of the shark’s stomach. When Broody asks “He didn’t eat a car did he?” Hoople replies “Well, actually. . .”
The most hilarious scene will probably be when Broody, Hoople, and Quim (played by a grossly miscast Eddie Murphy) are drinking and laughing together in the cabin. Suddenly, the shark starts bumping into the side of the boat, but every time it does, they take a shot and laugh some more. Then the shark’s head bursts through the side of the boat, into the cabin, and devours a keg of beer. They’re all shocked and stop laughing- waiting for the shark to attack them- but then the shark starts singing “How Dry I Am” and they join in. The scene ends with them in barber shop suits (the shark’s head adorned similarly) doing four part harmony “HOW DRY I AM. . .” before the shark exits the hole and they rush up top to start trying to pin more empty beer kegs to it.
After the opening sequence with the shark bumping into stuff and “Da Dum, Da Dum” played on the kazoo, the scene changes to a bunch of hippie kids sitting around a campfire at the beach, just like in JAWS. They’re all roasting marshmallows and hot dogs, and in the background, we can see an enormous fin moving around on the ocean. Of course none of the hippies notice.
There’s a real pretty girl (Claudia Schiffer if we can get her) batting her eyes at this guy who’s playing “Row row row your boat” on a harmonica. She starts taking her clothes off and says “I love the harmonica. Let’s go have sex in the water”. The other kids are oblivious to this, naturally. He stops playing and says, “Hey, I’m not that drunk, Jaws could be out there. Besides, I don’t even know your name. Hic.” She finishes disrobing and says “Chrissie. Chrissie Victim.” He replies, “Victim? Is that Italian?” “Nah,” she says, “Vietnamese”. She is obviously not Vietnamese, but the guy replies “Okay, let’s go!”
They start running along the beach, and the guy is havin’ a hard time gettin’ his clothes off, and he hollers, “Hey! Why are we running away from where everybody else is?” She jumps in the water, and we can see the enormous dorsal fin not too far from her. “I don’t want anybody to be able to hear my screams!” “Screams?” the guy asks as he plops down on the beach. “I’m a virgin!” she replies. “Whoah! Lucky me!” the guy says. “Aw shit. Too bad I’m gonna pass out drunk in a second. . .” He then passes out drunk.
Chrissie Victim swims around for a while. The huge fin follows her pretty closely, and there’s a bouy floating nearby. The kazoo starts to play softly, and she looks around nervously- just missing the huge fin as it sinks beneath the surface. She shrugs and starts swimming again, and basically, the scene goes on with the kazoo playing a couple of notes every few seconds, her looking around, and the fin going back under. Real silly, slapstick stuff here, but eventually the shark gets tired of playing around and starts swimming right at her- kazoos playing loudly.
She sees it and screams, “Oh my God! It’s Jaws!” Then the fin goes under, and a couple of seconds later, so does she. She pops back up for just a second and grabs onto the bouy, but there’s this seagull sitting there that pecks at her hands till she lets go, then she’s gone. We see the bouy bouncin’ around for a second, then IT goes under, too; bird and all! SQWUAWWWK!!! Camera pans in on the guy on the beach making out with some other chick, then a nice transition to the House of Marvin Broody, where he is making similarly out with Mrs. Broody, who has a bag over her head. . .
. . .Suddenly the phone rings, and Broody says, “Saved by the bell!” He picks up the phone, and we hear assorted mumblings that sound like the grownups from the old Charlie Brown cartoons, and he’s nodding his head and saying stuff like, “Really? Oh yeah? Holy Cow! Ya don’t say?” and “What’s a shark?” and “Really? Well bless my ten toes! Guess I’d better check it out then, huh?”
So he gets dressed and drinks a few shots of vodka. His wife’s standing in the bedroom doorway as he gets ready to leave, and she’s mumbling something like “Where ya goin?” (we can’t quite tell cause of the bag over her head), and he slams the bedroom door in her face before staggering outside and hopping into his Jeep. He goes peelin’ out of the driveway and pops a cassette tape into the tape deck- it’s the Theme from Jaws. He’s driving so fast and recklessly that he nearly hits a few pedestrians in his wake, all of whom holler, “Hi Chief!” as he approaches.
After arriving at the station (crashing into a fencepost as he parks), he enters his office, and there in his chair sits an ancient (at least 80) “Polly” smoking a cigar, her spiked leather-booted feet propped up on the desk. She has the phone to her ear, and she’s grumbling, “Nah! He ain’t here! I dunno, why don’t you try the liquor store?” then, “Oh yeah? Same to you, mom!” Then she slams down the phone, and without missing a beat grumbles, “Hey hey, Chiefy. How they hangin’? Old Man Mcgillicutty called a few hours ago, said his picket fences all have “Screw You, Old Man Mcgillicutty” painted on them. Then Broody reaches over and takes the cigar out of Polly’s mouth (a recurring theme in this movie), and he’s like, “What else is new, Polly? Every week it’s something else with his stupid picket fences.”
Deputy Horndicks then enters the office proclaiming, “The body! The body! Oh my God! The body!” Then Broody’s like, “Is that all you ever think about, Horndicks?” Then Horndicks moans, “No! THE body!” and pukes all over Polly in an amazing two and a half gallon display of colors and texture. Polly is understandably upset and starts screamin’, “Son of a bi#ch! You mother#@$er! I’ll kick your f#@%ing @$$!!!” And Broody’s like, “Ohhh. . .THAT body. . .”
Scene changes to Broody and Horndicks arriving at the beach. “Right over there, where all those seagulls and crabs are,” Horndicks points. We see this nondescript guy with a headset standing there with this big bucket of crabs, dropping them one at a time onto the corpse, and seagulls checking out Chrissie Victim’s remains. One of the seagulls flies over Chief Broody’s Jeep and craps on the hood. Broody quickly disposes of it with his pistol. . .
After a few pointless moments of close-ups of the body and the camera panning in on Broody’s and Hordicks’ grimacing faces, the scene changes to the two of them back at the station where they are painting signs:
THERE ARE SHARCS TO HERE. DO’NT GO SWIMING OR JAWS WILL EAT YOU. SIGHNED, AMITYVILLE PD DEPT. YOU HAVE BEN WARNED!!!
Polly is in the background smoking her cigar and throwing darts at a picture of Ellen Broody posted on the back wall of the office. She hollers, “The freakin’ coroner called and said she had her leg bit off first, then she was dragged around screamin’ for a few minutes, then she had her other leg bit off, then one of her arms, then her left butt cheek, then she drowned. Oh, and she was a virgin. What a way to go, eh?” as Broody takes off out the front door with the signs.
He makes his way towards the ferry, and as he passes Old Man McGillcutty’s house, the geezer comes runnin’ out screamin’, “Did you see what them little motherfu@kers did to my fence? I want ’em shot dead and put on display, you hear me? Gutshot!” Broody nonchalantly shoves the wizened Old Man McGillicutty to the ground as he passes, and arrives at the dock.
About this time, Mayor Vagisil (who is wearing a tweed leisure suit with the word “JAWS” embroidered all over it), his goons, and the town coroner come runnin’ up, joining him on the ferry. “Chief Broody?” the Mayor asks, lighting a cigarette. “Yeah. Who the hell are you? Broody replies, pulling the cigarette from the Mayor’s mouth and chucking it into the water. “I’m Mayor Vagisil, and these are my goons. We’re concerned that you’re gonna ruin the town’s businesses by posting those signs. It’s your first summer, you know. Peanuts, popcorn, bikinis, beach balls, brown legged girls with heaving…” “Uh, tell him about the coroner’s report, Mayor?” one of the goons pipes in before Vagisil can finish his sentence. “Oh, yeah…uh, we’ve decided you don’t need them signs ’cause the girl wasn’t attacked by a shark at all. It was pneumonia, right Biff?” The coroner glances at one of the goons who is reaching slowly for something in his inside pocket and gulps, “Uh, yeah. I think probably bronchial pneumonia. Yeah. That’s the ticket.” Broody gives the coroner an incredulous look and yells, “Fu@k you! You told me Jaws ate her!” “Tut, tut,” whispers the Mayor, pulling Broody aside. “Amityville is a summer town. We need summer chicks. You yell ‘Barraccuda!’ everybody says ‘Oh shit! It’s a barraccuda!'; you yell ‘JAWS!’, and we’ve got a slew of cheesy sequels saturating the town theaters for the next fifteen years. I don’t think you appreciate the kind of schlock this sort of thing generates. Besides, she died of pneumonia.” The coroner looks around nervously and nods in agreement. “Yeah, okay, whatever,” Broody mumbles. “I need a drink.”….